Dig Deep.

‘Happiness’ is a concept. It is a idea, that promotes optimistic, positive thinking in negative-ish situations.

For example.

‘If only I had a _________, I would be happy’.

‘If I could _________, I would be happy’.

But doesn’t that leave a very big hole if the _____s don’t get done or don’t happen? When we mentally draw the line for us to cross in order for us to be happy, we set ourselves up for unnecessary disappointment when the line is not crossed.

I have been playing the wrong statements in my head my whole life. If I was thinner, I would be happy. If I was smarter, I would be happy. If I could draw better, or carve better, or weld better, I would be happy. If I maintained good grades in school, I would be happy. If I had a cat, I would be happy. If I had more money, I would be happy.

It’s time to change a few of these statements, and to everybody reading this (who actually give a rat’s ass) please bear with me through this period of mental and psychological renovation.

I’ve been thinking about it very carefully, and the truth is, I am happy. I am quite happy. I have a God who thought someone like me was worth saving. I have a family that drives me mad, but loves me very much. I have a boyfriend who doesn’t like women who look like ten-year-old boys. I have  few, but great friends to laugh through difficult times with, some I don’t see very often, but are no less of a friend in my eyes. I study at a school that may not have the best system, but works well enough (and is magically surrounded by the most delicious food places in the entire country). And, I may have a faulty jaw and faulty back and faulty eyes, but I have taste buds and a stomach in good condition. I am suddenly very thankful that I can walk normally, and run if I wanted to, and laugh and cry and see and hear and smell.

(you must think I’m mad by now. Like, what the hell has this girl been thinking about.)

You’re right. What have I been thinking about? I believe there is no such thing as ‘wasting time’ before an exam, and its taken me long enough to find out. I’ve been digging deep into my inner swirling thoughts and dreams to fish out what could possibly be my ‘artistic concept’. And it’s not easy.

When it gets too personal, people will say I am self-indulgent and egotistic.

When it gets too pro-female/anti-male, people will say I am a feminist artist.

When it gets too childhood-experience-y, people will say I have daddy issues, and need to just get over myself.

But the truth is, everything happens for a reason. As as arts student, and as a hopeful future practicing artist, I hope people will change the way they look at art in Singapore. We’re too cynical, skeptical and ignorant, all at the same time (you see, even the way I say that makes me all of the above). If only we could one day realize that art is not something pretty on your living room wall, or something realistically rendered, or something that the world doesn’t need. One day, Singaporeans have to realize that art is the best way to tell a story. And the good artists are the people with stories to tell: collective memories, societal issues, etc.

The other day, TBH was saying that because society’s not giving to artists, he thinks artists should say a big F you to society. I don’t agree. Societies and art go hand-in-hand, because every artist was from some kind of society, and under some kind of upbringing (or lack of upbringing). I’m just saying, that a fish that complains the ocean is too salty can’t decide to reject water, cause it’ll die. It has to be smart enough to grow its own wings or legs, to change its situation.

(reading through the whole post again, I realized I jumped to quite a few topics. But hey, what do they all have in common? They all had to pass through here first -points to forehead-)

Good night, everyone. May your dreams be sweet and inspiring.

Life goes on.

So, the first week of school was somethin’. 7-hour breaks and night class on Mondays, No school on Tuesdays, Major Lessons on Wednesdays, Theory lectures on Thursdays, and lovely easy Fridays. I have a feeling Year 2 Term 1 is gonna be an eventful one. 

It feels good to be in sculpture. I know it’s what I’ve always wanted, and I may not be the best, but I sure have the most fun making things =] Bringing ideas to life always appealed more to me than the scamming the eye with the 3D-2D experience that comes with painting. Why restrict something to a wall when people can embrace something from all sides? It gives people something to talk about, when there’s more than one way to look at things. 

Think differently? Do comment =] (but keep it nice)

Closure.

The exact kind of ending I needed for a new beginning. It’s a typical scenario, but I’m in no position to make judgements. I’m just glad that the feelings of fear, pain and despondency have evaded my tired soul, and I am liberated. 

My eyes have cried their lives’ worth of tears, and my heart has been splintered into shards of memories – painful memories – that I had of you and I, once before.

But that day, I did not cry. I will not cry for you anymore. My conscience is free. 

 

Also,
Assessments are round the bend!
IIA was last last week (that was one bitch of a subject) and the history quiz went well. 
Digital Art submission was today, and Technical Drawing is due tomorrow.  
After tomorrow, 4 subjects down, 4 more to go!

 

To all the NAFA people, be strong. Eat properly, drink lots of water and get enough rest! We’re almost there!

Distracted.

Because only when people lose things do they realize the cost
of it all, and break down to cry over everything they’ve lost

Seeing them live and laugh, break, hurt, leave and die
Makes me wonder about the life we both live by,

and now I know: It’s ten days to only half a year
And you’re already telling me things I don’t want to hear
but have to, for my own good because you truly care
and we’re starting to learn to live without each other there

Infatuation’s packed its bags and its preparing its departure
But that’s not a problem, ’cause the thing about each other
is that we don’t need all the silly shallow things that others want – 

Cause we know those things can slip away and what we have just can’t.

Weakkk.

Fuck Sinus. Who knew stupid shit like Sinus causes headaches. Oh well, thank God for google, cause they’ve got truckloads of solutions and cures. So I thought I’d share a few, for those people affected by the crazy Singaporean weather a.k.a. HOT COLD HOT COLD SUN RAIN SUN RAIN:

Mix pepper (yes, hu jiao fen) with hot tea and drink (works wonders for congestion)

Cold Compress to forehead and keep your feet warm (hot footbath or warm towel/blanket) 

Stay away from cold items. Stick to warm tea and soups instead. 

Anything peppermint should help. 

And the final best one (in my opinion):
Shitloads of sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

 

Goodnight.

Syndrome.

Last night’s breaking down was a scary episode, for more than one person. It’s hard to put into words the exact feelings I had, the exact emotions that overwhelmed me so, so greatly that whatever I said did not come across correctly. 

But let’s just put it this way. At the possible suckiest point in your life, you meet someone who finds you, talks to you like you’re special, and does all the right things, and then suddenly just leaves you for dead. To return to your problems, to return to your loneliness. 

Now that I’ve found true happiness with you, the past just floats up once in a while to haunt me. To remind me not to make the same mistakes. Not to be too dependant on people, not to need the attention. Instead, the attention given is complementary to what you’ve already made for yourself, yourself. And when the attention stops, I shouldn’t crumble and be left disappointed. 

Maybe it’s just me. I’m used to thriving on my own, and I’m used to thinking about everybody, instead of the one somebody I’m supposed to think about all the time. I’m not the sort to be in a relationship and only think the world revolves around the two people in it. There’s a myriad of things in the past that always come up to haunt, to hover, and to hurt. And I’m doing my best to deal with my demons in the most diplomatic, rational way I can.

 

If your only vice was your ‘strong desire to be the best in everything’, then mine would have to be this. I think too much. About the past, about the present, about the future. About all the things that’ve happened to me before. About all the things that have hurt me. But just because I think about these things, doesn’t mean I can’t move on from them, and it doesn’t mean I love you any less than I say I do. 
But see, it’s difficult for someone to be rational and unemotional all the time, right? 

Blessed.

To have met you. To have been your friend. To have talked to you endlessly about many things. To have shared so much with you. To have the absolute freedom to be myself around you. To have absolute trust in you. To be angry at you. To get upset over something you’ve done. To reconcile with you. To apologize to you. To hear an apology from you. To forgive you, and be forgiven by you. To hold you, and have you hold me. To care for you, and have you care for me. To worry about you, and have you worry about me. To know that no matter how far we’ve come, or how far we’re going, the best thing about forever is today, every day, spent with you. 

Thank you. 
I love you.

But of course, Valentine’s Day is overrated. Roses, chocolates, cards. Who needs em anyway. No use giving something that’ll die, or get eaten, or get thrown away eventually. Love endures all =] And every day’s a perfect opportunity to give it away.  Who needs one stupid day when I have every day of ze year =] 

 

Shit. homework’s not done. 

First Week.

So, the first week of school has been an entertaining one. New subjects: Some are very cool ie. Anatomy, 3D studio art. Some are not cool ie. Digital Art, technical drawing. I am so screwed for Digital Art. 

This semester is an interesting one, because the subjects have a better way of revealing a student’s strengths and weaknesses. This, of course, is both welcomed and unwelcomed. On one hand, I can finally find what I am good at/where my ‘true passion’ lies. On the other, the magical GPA of 4.0 is that much further away from being achieved =.=  

Also, its a damn busy term, with 22 credits (compared to last sem’s 18 credits) (oh, look it makes up 40 exactly) of modules to take/fulfill/pass/whatever it is you do with credits. 

The only thing I can hope to do now is to focus in class, eat healthily, exercise frequently, sleep early, not procrastinate and practise, practise, PRACTISE. On everything that I’m weak in. 

And. stop. the. senseless. youtubing. and. surfing. 

But hey, not bad already. I gave up on pet society ;D 

 

Oh, look its time for church

I have found what you are like – ee cummings

i have found what you are like                                       
the rain,                                                                                

             (Who feathers frightened fields    
with the superior dust-of-sleep. wields                  

easily the pale club of the wind                                   
and swirled justly souls of flower strike                    

the air in utterable coolness                                          

deeds of green thrilling light                                         
                                                       with thinned 

newfragile yellows                                                           

                                     lurch and.press

-in the woods                                                                      
                         which                                
                                     stutter       
                                                and 

                                                         sing

And the coolness of your smile is                              
stirring of birds between my arms;but                     
i should rather than anything                                    
have ( almost when hugeness will shut                   
quietly )  almost,                                                             
                               your kiss      

 

 

You think I’m imba? Baby, you ain’t seen imba.  

Sneeuu Boompies.

christmas christmas christmas woot.

I can’t wait for everybody to see their stupid/funny/really-nothing-else-to-get presents. And all the fooood and the company =] It’s going to be awesome.

I bought myself an Eric Carle ’09 diary! With illustrations from The Hungry Caterpillar, and other Eric Carle classics. Lovely =]

I went for a final round of material shopping with David today (fast walker) and bought loads and loads of pretty cloth! UberVoonderCool’08 is ondeway! I hope its successful. If not, the food and tablecloths are mine!

And, if anyone is asking the question I think some people are asking, the answer is simply SHY SHY. There is a fine line between secretiveness and modesty, and I can safely say I am simply SHY SHY. 

so there.

And, since I skipped penitential service, I figured the least I could do was casually (but seriously) confess a few things here. 

I was jealous, I swore (very vulgarly), I hated people, I hurt people, I disrespected people, I annoyed people, and there were many thoughts I wish I didn’t think, and I gave people things they don’t deserve from me (more like scoldings and cold shoulders, nothing of the STDs sort of course) and I did not love enough, or say thank you enough. And for all these and many (many) more I am truly, truly sorry. And I promise next year I was drag my lazy butt to penitential service. Kyrie Eleison, Christe Eleison. Amen. 

‘Oh God, I thank you for loving me.
I am sorry for all my sins:
not loving others, and not loving you.
Help me to live like Jesus and not sin again. 
Amen.’ 

-The Act of Sorrow, somewhere. (I’m surprised I still remember this from my primary school days.)
 

 

 And this isn’t much of an update, is it. I want chocolate milk. And, doesn’t tuesday seem a bit too far away?